Tom Cruise loves Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes loves Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes accepted. 

Okay. We get it. They're in love. 

I think I'm more interested in what brand of crack Maverick has been smoking lately. I wanna buy some stock in this happy juice company. Only people on commercials are this happy all the time. There is no sanctuary online that you can barricade yourself away from hurricane Tom.  No one on the planet can be THIS interested in a news story that doesn't involve murder or child molestation. If Tommy boy and Katie were related maybe I can hold my interest a little....

Oh, wait, she's interested in scientology? Stop the fucking presses! 

I understand that people around the world have a natural curiosity about celebrities. It's like a train wreck when it comes to their private lives; we just cant pull our eyes away. Naturally, I'm no different. However, seeing as Fenrez.com has offered me many opportunities to appear on the Tonight show, I never thought I'd be getting a front row seat to the carnage. 

Although front row seat is what I'm guessing most people will have as soon as Fox gets the rights to the Tom & Katie reality TV show.  He's embarrassed himself to the point of no return, why not just finish the journey?

Who the hell knew they had cameras recording during congressional hearings? People actually watch this crap? 

I'm such a softie for romance.

Yes, the princess and I are an item again. I felt bad about dumping her just because she lost her job at the hot dog stand. Recently she called me and reported that she got hired at Radio Shack. So what can I do?

Employee  discounts on RCA cables and Optimus equipment? I'm all over that!

So here's a question I've pondered for quite some time (believe it or not, I ponder): Did someone invent a nod or is it just inherent in human nature to nod your head yes when you want to communicate a non-verbal affirmative to a question?

The same can go for shaking your head no, shrugging your shoulders when you are unsure of an answer, widening your eyes when you are surprised by a bit of information. Is this something we're taught, or did the first human just start doing it naturally?

Personally, I've come to the conclusion that it is human nature.  And to bridge the point of all this philosophical bullshit to the picture at hand, what I'm trying to say is that, like non-verbal communication, I believe our desire to play air guitar (or air bass, drums etc), is something we are born with. 

I'm guessing air instrumentation goes way back in history, even before the advent of electric guitars. In the Renaissance people probably air conducted to symphonies. With the advent of radio maybe they air microphone'd, with jazz: air trumpet. Hell, I'm sure there are one or two of you (who won't admit but you know who you are) that have air piano'd to Barry Manilow, or worse, Liberace.

Let's face it: at some point in your life, male or female, you've played air guitar. How many times have you stood in your room, performing for a "crowd" (your pets) of 100,000 in the "stadium" (your mirror) while you rocked out to all your screaming, adoring fans. If you were like me, you were daring enough to introduce props and actually held a broom in your hand to represent a Fender Stratocaster.

Admittedly, I took the fantasy one step further by stealing my mom's panties and throwing them at myself while on "stage". I even started doing air heroin and banging my pillow groupies who "waited" for me backstage until the end of the show. 

Think I'll do a reunion tour next.

It took longer than I had originally planned, but at last I graduated on to bigger and better things. It wasn't easy, and I am ashamed to admit I actually did drop out for about 16 years, but the important point is that I took the plunge and went back to earn my middle school degree. I'll admit it was scary going back after all those years away, and I won't lie, I forgot how much of a challenge pre-algebra really is. Sure it took many hours of tutoring along the way, but I OWN English composition now!

Only two real drawbacks to resuming a middle school education. First, I had to skip out on the middle school prom, as I think it would be illegal for me to take any of my classmates, but the principal did let me at least go by myself and watch people dance. Secondly, because I was 16 years older than the oldest student, I was deemed ineligible for lunch vouchers, thereby forcing me to buy my own food. Think that's easy? You try buying macaroni and cheese and a banana every day when you don't have a job and can't take out student loans for middle school. They don't tell you that one when you decide to drop back in and earn a degree. And of course having milk as your only option to drink made for some interesting afternoons in PE (see lactose intolerance slide somewhere on this website).

The best part of the whole deal is that I could sleep with my teachers and not make the national news (thank God the home ec teacher was horny or I may have failed that class)

What's next for me? Well, I'm thinking about going to high school, but I don't know if I want to bite off more than I can chew at the moment. Being a 30 year old high school student would be pretty intimidating. I heard all about that "peer pressure" they got going on there. I'm not sure I want to get myself into any trouble.

Maybe I'll test the waters and see how much I can earn with my middle school diploma.

Sure you may laugh. You may sit there and point your finger at me and say "wow, is he the biggest moron on the planet or what?" Mock me if you will. But I tell you this kind of thing happens more often than you realize.

The modern world is such a complicated place. There's so much to think about in our attempt to be productive citizens of whatever nation we call home. We have appointments to remember, PIN numbers to memorize, deadlines to keep. We have to go shopping after work, then pick up the kids at 5, don't forget to stop at the post office to ship a package, and oops! did I forget to file my taxes again? 

With so much information, facts, and figures running in our heads is it really so surprising that someone may have a momentary lapse of memory and forget to pull the nozzle out of the gas tank?

Well, maybe it is, but I ask you this: how often have you parked your car, then couldn't find it again, or put your keys down and one hour later had no idea where they were? Maybe you forget for a moment that JoAnne is the name of your ex-girlfriend, not your current one, and that she was the one who was into anal.

How often have you missed the exit off the highway because your mind was too occupied wondering how Harry Potter will defeat Lord Voldemort?

Or am I the only one?

Maybe I should take a break from relationships. I don't think I'm cut out for it.

I mean, she asked me if she looked fat in those pants. And don't women want honesty and trust in a relationship? I don't want to lie. And what do I get for my integrity? A free terror ride on the hood of the vehicle of death. So what was it I said that was so punishable? I told her she looked a little overweight in those pants, but that she was still a beautiful flower in my eyes, and her appearance is secondary to her wonderful and vivacious personality that brings nothing by the greatest joy and happiness in my life.

That's what I meant, anyway.

Admittedly I could have worded it a little more sensitively.  And yes, I recognize that I should have avoided the terms "bloated manatee", "dried up prune" and "dishrag whore". Telling her that her voice was nails on a chalkboard to me was probably not the smartest thing I've ever done.  Next thing I knew she was in my car, and I was jumping on the hood, thinking, for some odd reason, I could stop her from driving off with it.

Needless to say I don't feel good about the direction this relationship is heading. After 15 minutes of hanging on for my dear life, she slammed the brakes and sent me flying 20 feet away. Before I knew what was happening, I saw the front end of the car headed straight for me. I was just able to dive out of the way and run for my life.

Maybe I'll get her a Hallmark card to apologize.

Bitch.