Women. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Although restraining orders are always a viable option.

Why men deal with the yelling, screaming, and overall abuse for love is one of the many unanswered mysteries of biology. Here I am, minding my own business, coming home after a hard day at the track, and this is what I walk in on.

And, talk about overreaction. She finds a bra that doesn't belong to her in the backseat of my car next to four used condoms and suddenly the house becomes a festival of angry shouts and ugly accusations. She takes what is at best circumstantial evidence and rides it to its most illogical conclusion. Those condoms could belong to anyone!

Who can figure women out? 

Charles Darwin wrote "Origin of Man" to describe his ideas, following his Theory of Evolution, how human beings and primates evolved from a common ancestor, the appropriately named, "missing link".

So, I'm sitting around one day, getting my fix of Discovery Channel nature shows, and I get to wondering what the missing link would look like if it were me. 

I don't know about you, but I think I look pretty good as a chimpanzee. Maybe I'm not the sexiest monkey, but definitely sophisticated. If GQ had an all primate magazine (PQ perhaps?), I could see me as a coverchimp. All those girls back in high school calling me a Neanderthal had missed the point. And I have no doubt that my boys here are the coolest gang in the jungle. 

How much fun would it be to live free, swinging from the trees, naked, without a care in the world. Not having to worry about holding a job would be wonderful (although that's something I already share with our hairy genetic relatives). 

At the very least, the freedom to scratch my ass and still be socially acceptable would make it all worthwhile. 

Despite the appearance of an anti-presidential act of protest, I really did need to take a leak and sometimes, when nature calls, we can do little but to heed it. For those of you who ever stood in front of the White House, peering at the lawn wondering whether one can get into trouble for urinating on it, the answer is a resounding yes.

On that day, however, I took my chances and decided to make a run for it, banking on their sense of civility not to shoot a man in the back who was only taking a leak. Plus, after that whole faking consulate thing, I wasn't in the mood for another conversation with these guys. As luck would have it, they didn't fire, although they did chase me for 20 blocks, but as I had an empty bladder, I was able to run a little faster. Eventually they came to the conclusion that I really wasn't worth the effort and gave up.

George Washington. Paul Revere. Abraham Lincoln. Bill Gates. True American heroes. And to this hallowed list of names I would like to add one more, maybe the greatest of them all: Ron Jeremy.  

It's not often you get to meet your idol, but that's just what happened in this cherished photograph. If you don't know who Ron Jeremy is, it's probably not my place to explain it here. Let's just say he has given every fat, hairy man on this planet reason to hope and dream. 

There are very few people who obtain the status of "living legend", but Ron has accomplished that and so much more. Actor, producer, and director, in the entertainment business few are so accomplished; he is a real life Renaissance man.

Ron Jeremy - a true American legend!

You might be surprised to hear this, but for a guy like me, jobs are hard to come by. So you'll surely understand my pain and anguish at being terminated from the only employment I've ever held. Losing one's job can be a traumatic experience. My co-worker and I hearing the news of our termination is what prompted this photograph. 

Being fired from the Drive-Thru department at McDonalds after only two hours of employment is a painful experience. They tried to make it easier on me by relegating our firing to "downsizing", but I wasn't fooled. Personally, I suspect it had something to do with my habit of eating people's orders right from their bags before giving it to them. I think leaving a McNugget chomped in half with a bite mark still in it, sitting in an open pat of barbeque sauce was the final straw. I was brought up on McDisciplinary charges and summarily McDismissed.

I suspect I've been blackballed from the industry as I've since applied to an Arby's and a Burger King with no luck. I may be paranoid, but I could have sworn the manager of each of those establishments took my application from me with a look of scorn plastered on their faces.

Think I'll try a Taco Bell next. 

Being land based creatures it is easy to forget that 70% of the Earth is covered by water. And if you ask me, I'd just as soon stick to the 30% that isn't. The day I see a fish walking on land, ogling at how pretty all the people look, is the day I'll go back in the water and ogle at how pretty all the fish are.

Luckily for me, that shark had just finished a buffet of divers a few miles away before considering me as dessert. However, what I can only imagine must have been a horrendous case of heartburn forced him to have second thoughts. At least, I think it was a him. Of course I didn't stick around long enough to confirm either way. And I wasn't about to offer him a pack of Tums either.