This is a special addition to the website that I decided to add showcasing some of those who came before me in the Fenrez family lineage. These are family ancestors highlighted in photographs, art, and even an album cover.

A small part of the reason I created this page is to show you a part of my heritage that most people never get to see, but mostly because I'm seriously running out of ideas, and needed a new avenue for different kinds of pictures that wouldn't fit on the main website.

Francois Dulaq Fenrez III, The Earl of Horskhöck (1684 - 1771)

Francois is a very distant relative who lived somewhere in Europe.

From what has come down to me through the generations, it was said that he was a rather eccentric member of the upper class, in that he had an unfortunate fetish for livestock, whatever that means. I've also been told from a historian, who has done some research on that particular time period, that he had the peculiar habit of pasting a portrait of his head onto other paintings and hanging them up in his castle. 

A strange custom, no doubt, but I guess people in those days weren't as mature as we are in the modern era.

Alas, poor Francois. Due to what must have been a terrible case of lactose intolerance that caused continuous diarrhea forcing him to dash for a bathroom twenty times a day, he made the unwise decision to raise the taxes of the local peasants to 90% of their total income in order in increase the number of bathrooms in his castle.

The local peasantry, already burdened by famine, an outbreak of plague, and having Francois as their landlord, began a furious revolt against his regime. Regrettably, he came to a very violent end when he was hunted down by infuriated peasants and had the business end of a spear shoved up his colon. Ironically, his body was found in his bedroom with a bottle of milk next to him and watery stool oozing down the spear.

Frederico di Fenrezzi (1457 - 1524)

Michelangelo's "The David" as a sculpture is a masterpiece, and is considered by many art lovers and experts alike as one of the most beautiful sculptures every created. However most people don't realize that it's actually a revision of the original artwork. 

This is a picture of the recently discovered and newly displayed sculpture called "The Fred", who was the original model for the seventeen foot piece. It was discovered in the basement of a lost monastery somewhere in southern Italy.

Legend has it that when Michelangelo searched for a model to be the inspiration for the the sculpture, he searched Florence and all the surrounding areas for months. Apparently the qualifications were simple: a good body and a tiny penis. He had heard legend of a family lineage that was strong for the second qualification and went searching for a member of that family.

Enter Frederico Fenrezzi.

Once the work was complete the story is that Michelangelo was so appalled at how ugly it was from the neck up, he wept for days. He then made the monumental decision to saw the head off and re-sculpt it using another Florentine model's head.

Exit Frederico Fenrezzi

Well as you can imagine, Federico was humiliated, and a tad pissed off. Not only was his likeness no longer to be preserved throughout the ages, but he also had exposed a little more of himself than he had wanted to.  Plus he had lost complete use of his left arm due to the requirement of keeping it in that position 14 hours a day for two years.

The story has a happy ending however. Turns out around that time period micropenises were all the rage due to the rising cost of good stone and the desire to use as little as possible for the extraneous parts of sculptures. And since he had lost all feeling in his left arm he could keep it in any position for hours on end. It didn't take long for him to become so in demand that he ended up hiring an agent and became history's first supermodel.

Frederico wasn't the only Fenrez to lose use of his left arm. Let me introduce you to Willem Fenrez. Willem wasn't exactly the brightest bloke on our family tree. Born in the Netherlands he was something of a disappointment to his parents. Unfortunately his genes appeared to be the dominant ones passed down the line.

When offered the price of a pint of ale in exchange for volunteering his services to a local Dutch medical college, Willem couldn't resist. Being the perfect trifecta of a raging alcoholic, utterly penniless, and a complete moron, however, it's not hard to imagine why he would jump all over an offer like that.   In his defense, according to the family legend, Dr. Nicolaes Tulp (the one mutilating him) never did explain what the details of volunteering meant, other than to teach young surgeons proper anatomy. The truth is I'm not quite sure why they would need to learn the anatomy of the arm in 1632.  I can't imagine surgery back then consisted of anything more than sawing limbs off of bodies, but what do I know.

Interestingly enough, Willem had the strange fortune to have Rembrandt in attendance that day who had been commissioned to paint a portrait. And paint he did, although very much like the fate of poor Frederico, once the final work was done Rembrandt found the agonizing face of Willem a little too much to stomach, so he over painted his face with what you actually see hanging in today's museums.

I don't think Willem was ever sober enough to notice.

It appears the Fenrez family tradition of becoming seasick if floating on so much as an inner tube is something that has been passed down the ages. I guess the only thing that can be said for him is that he had the forthright not to actually vomit on Washington during the majestic voyage across the Delaware. 

Considering my family tree, that's quite an accomplishment.

Jeremiah was plagued with bad luck for most of his life. This picture is one of the worst examples.

Unfortunately he either didn't know, or forgot post-drunken binge, that Abraham Lincoln was going to be doing a wartime tour of his campsite that day. It was his misfortune that when he performed his morning ritual strolling out his tent buck naked and greeting the world with an enormous yawn , the Commander and Chief was standing six feet away posing for one of the earlier historic photographs of the war with an army officer and what I assume is some dude who wandered into the picture to get his face in the history books.

Why both men look like they are about to scratch their armpits I have no idea. Must have been an early custom back then, kind of like saying "cheese" now.

Well, naturally the photograph had to be retaken with Lincoln reposing and the other two gentlemen scratching their pits again. Jeremiah was shuffled out of the way but thankfully was allowed to keep the picture with him in it, which allowed it to be passed down the generations to me.

Bartholomew is one of the more artistic of the Fenrez clan, actually recording an album sometime in the late 1960's with his group, Country Church. To date they've sold somewhere in the realm of 12 records, and as far as I can tell, cannot be found in any music store on the planet, either online or in the real world.

Unfortunately, the band broke up after one album due to internal strife. I never got all the details but my uncle told me that Bart was caught being given a pearl necklace by the female lead singer of the group, who, as fate would have it, was married to Jacob, the douche bag looking guy in the middle with his hand on her shoulder. I hear Jacob was so angry he beat Bart to within an inch of his life with his five-string clawhammer banjo. With his beloved banjo (and Bart's skull) broken in several pieces, Jacob disbanded Country Church.

Interestingly enough, Lemmy, the guy on the right who remained out of the fray, went on to have a pretty successful career as the front man for Motörhead.

Not really much to say about this one. Although he looks like official Presidential staff, George was actually one of the White House valets who wandered in through the wrong door by accident during a speech by President Kennedy that day.