The most mind numbing invention in fashion history. The male equivalent of the bikini, if there's ever been a scarier looking use for cotton, it escapes me. 

Very few beachgoers have been spared the frightening imagery posed by Speedos wrapped tightly around a waist with an extensive beer belly for an awning.

Whoever came up with the idea that a piece of clothing show off as much of the male form as possible should win a prize for selling the worst idea in history. I don't know what it is in the psyche of men who display them without shame, nor do I understand why it is so popular with vacationing Europeans. It's almost as if Speedos are illegal in Europe and they can't wait to brandish the taboo strip of clothing, the same rational that draws potheads to Jamaica.  

I could understand (maybe) if they were comfortable to wear, and hence I would be happy to support their use as underwear, but to practically expose yourself to an unsuspecting public is tantamount to borderline indecent exposure, or, if not exposure, just plain indecent. It must have something to do with a deep-seated evolutionary-related desire of men to advertise their wares to any women walking in front of us, like a peacock exposing his tail to potential mates. 

However, anatomical considerations in mind, most men will thankfully suppress any such desire and spare the rest of us from having to view the image in our minds over and over again.  . 

Unfortunately for men, it appears that sperm production requires an ambient temperature three to five degrees cooler than can be obtained inside the body, so God made the fateful decision long ago to engineer us with testicles located on the outside.

Men have been suffering the agony of this decision ever since. 

That the groin area is an ultra-vulnerable Achilles heel is easily noticeable by the fact that men, when faced with bodily harm anywhere below the neck, will instinctively react by covering their privates, leaving all other organs to fend for themselves. As a matter of fact, even when bodily harm is expected above the neck, a man will cover his head with his arms, but bend forward to limit the access to their testicles, just in case.

It's as if our evolutionary instincts subconsciously decreed the order of anatomical importance as follows: (1) Brain. (2) Testicles. (3) Everything else. If there are any doubts, just observe a man's body language when seeing this picture. Most likely his first reaction will be to bring his thighs together along with a slight flexing of his body and a characteristic "oooh". 

Women know this oh so well. The pelvic area, to the delight of so many women, is the great equalizer of the sexes. Not that many women would do that to a man, but I'm sure they sleep better at night knowing the option exists. A 235 pound body building world champion is no match for an 85 pound grandmother whose foot flies true to its intended target. 

Here's a picture from the opening night of the Fenrez.com World Tour! The plan was for a 125-city tour that would span the globe and 5 continents.

And I ask: why not? Those assholes from Star Trek have been cashing it in for years based solely on  dumb luck casting, so I thought, why not get in while the gettin' is good. And I figure since this website has made me famous throughout the world, why not earn some easy money while I can. What better way to help pay for this website (beer money) and meet interesting people (hot chicks)?

Unfortunately things didn't work out quite as I had planned. After counting the profits from opening night in Toad Suck, Arkansas, I soon discovered that the $5.00 I earned was not enough money to continue on to the second scheduled city. So I decided to cancel the world tour, 14 months earlier than previously planned.

Thankfully I was able to get back home at the end of that night by mugging some of my fans outside the venue. Pretending that the autograph pen in my pocket was a gun, I was able to quadruple my earnings that night. Using those "extra profits" allowed me to buy a bus ticket back home.

I think the overwhelming amount of scatological humor that has been pervasive in movies over the last decade or so has opened my eyes to the argument of creationism over evolution.

Only God would come up with a plan that allowed for all living creatures (human beings especially) to eliminate their waste products in such a way that I would propose it is actually dignity, more than feces, that is eliminated from the body whenever the bowels decide to get busy.

What better way to counter the arrogance of human pride than with the image of someone sitting on the porcelain pot taking a life-changing, vein-popping, heart-pounding dump. Even the most civilized, cultured, and sophisticated person is basically reduced to the status of an infantile idiot during the act of defecation.  There is nothing about "the squat" that can be even remotely dignified.

And let's not even get into a discussion about the cleanup efforts that follow the squat. The only good thing that can be said about it is that it is the one equalizer among all human beings, outside of death itself. Alexander the Great at one point in his life ruled over the greatest land empire of his age, and yet during those brief moments he was forced to wipe his ass, he was unceremoniously relegated to the status of an everyday common man. For those precious few seconds, he was just plain old Alex.

There's something very comforting in that thought.

Where the hell did this monstrosity of a phenomenon worm its way out of? I once heard that the whole reality TV affair started in England, and if that's true, it’s a belligerent act of war as far as I'm concerned. I'm ready to pick up where the War of 1812 left off. Send in the bombers!

Okay, maybe I’m being a little overdramatic, but as a movie buff, I was offended to the point of no return by the creation of the most revolting idea for a film I’ve ever seen: From Justin to Kelly. A movie conjured into existence, based solely on the success of a reality TV show. It has to stop. It just HAS to stop.  And how pissed off is MTV at the success of reality TV? They've been doing The Real World for god knows how long, but it's Survivor that gets everyone drooling. 

So we have shows where we can watch people sing their way to fame, and shows where people get voted off, and shows where we can see which ditzy bombshell the guy will pick to marry, and the one where we can watch rich girls live their lives of luxury, etc. Can we come up with another show where a dozen dupes battle it out for a prize that they come to find out doesn't exist? Don't think the networks have beaten that one into the ground just yet. Stop me when this starts to sound ludicrous. I know sitcoms were a waste of time, but is this really an acceptable substitute?

If they really want to make these shows exciting, I say bring back the Roman gladiators. Let a couple of muscle bound douche bags duke it out to the death, live. Don't have to waste any time voting those guys off. I wouldn't be surprised if FOX is working on that idea as we speak. Lord knows I've heard enough historians compare American civilization to the Roman Empire, so let's finally put the stamp on it and make it official by remodeling the Coliseum.

And what the hell is so real about them anyway? Last I looked I don't see beautiful women with perfect bodies and soap opera-caliber guys with chiseled abs running around all over the place. They want to make it reality, let’s film some 300 pound twat with a disastrous mullet trying to pick up a Hooters girl or film some poor slob working a double shift at a local small town convenient store. Watch the drama unfold as he accidentally short changes someone buying a 6-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Be there for the thrilling moment he offers a pack of matches to an underage customer who just purchased a pack of Parliament Lights. Will he get caught? Will he get away with it?

Stay tuned!

Personally, I think there should be some kind of senate hearing (or is it inquiry?) to study the air in suburban America.

Something toxic in the atmosphere is changing the behaviors of so many young males, and the affliction seems to affect only the offspring of parents with a combined income of over $100,000 a year. It's like a plot line straight from a bad movie, albeit an 80's movie, since that was the last decade to actually use white actors to portray hard-as-nails gangsters (anyone unfortunate enough to have witnessed Crocodile Dundee II or The Warriors knows what I'm talking about).

It used to be that being a gangster meant that you earned your living through a life of crime. For those afflicted with this mysterious air-born toxin, the meaning has apparently been re-defined as one who walks around with quarts of beer and flashing made-up gang symbols on their way to work at the mall, for those that bother actually working, that is. And, of course, driving a souped up SUV with all leather interior bought and paid for not by money earned as a ruthless drug overlord, but by mommy and daddy as a 16th birthday present.

Misrepresentation is a fact of life - think chiropractors calling themselves doctors, sociologists calling themselves scientists, and Keanu Reeves calling himself an actor. Yet pictures like this one must drive real urban hard-as-nails gangsters up the wall, because in the end, when the general public's image of a thug has deteriorated into what you see here, who can take them serious?

Although, there must be something to this thug-lifestyle that appeals to young people. How can it not? What other sub-culture in American will allow you to wear designer clothing with hats on backwards, carrying a quart of cheap beer, and not be ridiculed by your peers? Although, it's easy not to be laughed at by your friends when they look as ridiculous as you.

I guess I can see the appeal of earning a living as a petty criminal.

It's easy work, the hours are good, and God knows you don't even need a high school degree to get into the business. The best part is, you can be your own boss.

It's a win-win situation for the very lazy and the very stupid (unfortunately there's a overwhelming surplus of people who fall under those two categories). You can steal enough to pay for food and board, and if you get caught, no problem. Room and board will be taken care of for you.

The only drawback being that you may get beaten once in awhile, with the occasional ass-rape. I imagine for some people, this is a small price to pay for not having to actually work.

Of course prison is one big crime school anyway. It's actually advisable for criminals to spend time there to learn how to elevate their game and start making some real money on the outside. If you think about it, a criminal who hasn't been arrested doesn't know what their true potential really is.

And there's nothing worse than wasted potential.