The sporting tradition in America is a time honored one. The competitive nature of sports is one that builds character and can teach us valuable lessons for later in life.

Unless you're the umpire.

The only valuable lesson I learned this day was never umpire a little league game where the fathers of the kids take a "safe at home plate" call very personal.

I thought the kid on the opposing team was safe when he slid across home plate. Apparently the fathers of the home team disagreed. When I refused to change my call, bedlam broke out and you can see what happened soon afterwards. Luckily I was armed with a couple of baseballs and took two guys out with well placed 30 mile-per-hour fastballs. A third guy was taken down when my umpire's mask hit him square in the balls. I was especially proud of that throw. I left a fourth guy writhing on the field after I blindly threw an aluminum bat in his direction and took out one of his kneecaps.

Thankfully all these guys were American, which means the odds were on my side that they were fat, out of shape, and probably drunk. It didn't take me long to realize that these boys  were much slower and a touch less graceful than Spanish bulls. Escape was easy, but unfortunately due to my decision to hospitalize 4 men, the league came to the illogical decision to ban me from ever stepping foot on a little league field again.

The Internet.

What can I say that hasn't been said already? An information superhighway. The ultimate resource for knowledge and  communication with people around the globe. The world's greatest library. A place where people of different cultures can share ideas across non-existent borders. Truly a miracle of technology!

For about 5% of the population, anyway.

For the rest of us yokels, the internet is one big sex machine. A place where you can meet other perverts and derelicts whose minds are as warped as yours. There are chat rooms for just about any degenerate lifestyle you can imagine (some of which are very good, I might add). I don't know what these people were doing before the advent of the internet, but it must have been a lonely existence. Makes you wonder (or cringe, depending on your particular upbringing) what the future holds.

I have to admit, however, that it feels quite exhilarating  sitting naked in front of my computer, chatting with hot, naked women on AOL. It's amazing how many exotic, slender, 21 year old starlets you can meet online at 4 am. As soon as I upgrade to a 56k modem, look out!

I'm not exactly sure how things accelerated to the status that you see here. I will say this, however. In the future, to avoid further "trouble", I feel that football stadiums should be more upfront about their plans to discontinue beer sales in the fourth quarter of games. Had the stadium employees been more vocal about it, we could have avoided this unfortunate situation.

Of course, it didn't help any that I threw my bag of popcorn at the beer vender who refused to sell me a can of beer (my sixteenth, if I recall correctly). One thing led to another, and within minutes, scores of angry alcoholics, fed up with forced fourth-quarter sobriety, broke out in rioting.

Needless to say, lungs, eyeballs, and bones aren't much of a match against a pepper spray hose down and nightstick swing-happy riot police ready and willing to bring down the thunder. Like the song says, when you fight the law, the law wins. It didn't take them long to enlighten us to the error of our ways.

Until the next game, anyway.

Ask anyone who has ever taken a spill over a cliff how much fun it is to be in a complete free fall. So why are we as human beings so in love with the idea just because there's a rope tied to us? 

Whatever it is inherent in our collective psyche that drives us to experience primal fears, I will not be tempted to face that urge again. 

I can only thank God that whatever tensile forces were to blame for the bungi rope snapping when it did, those forces happened to be in effect as I was beginning my ascent back up into that atmosphere.  

I consider it fortunate to have only suffered a broken clavicle, separated shoulder, and the inconvenience of nine fractured ribs. Seven months in traction is a small price to pay for the "thrill" of soaring towards the earth at breakneck speed.

I think this photo speaks for itself.

Ah, Saturday night. 

The time for letting loose and "having fun". Whatever your concerns or stresses, on Saturday night they all melt away. Whatever your drug of choice, alcohol, caffeine, or crack, Saturday night cleanses your mind of the dark miserable cloud that is our daily lives.

The problem is, eventually you have to wake up Sunday morning. As you can see, that can make for some remarkable experiences, more memorable than even the night before.

It can be very frustrating, and a little scary, when you wake up with a feeling of amnesia and can't quite put together the sequence of events that took place the previous evening leading you to whatever God-forsaken sewer you eventually wake up in. Especially when you find yourself in a convenient store bathroom with your pants around your ankles and a "funny" taste in your mouth, and can't figure out if that stale urine smell is coming from the unflushed toilet or your hair (and why the hell do my lips feel sticky??)

In the end, however, amnesia is alcohol's built in act of mercy.

Sometimes, you just don't want to remember.

Here's a special addition to fenrez.com. Meet SEXGODDESS69. She happens to be one of my biggest fans, seen her viewing an earlier edition of the cover page to this website, although where I'm ranked relative to R2-D2 is a mystery. Naturally, it brings great joy to me that my only fan owns, and sports, a NERD PRIDE cap, as there has been a recent surge in oppressed nerds everywhere standing up and expressing their desire for equal rights under the law. 

Now you may ask why I would put pictures on here of other women when I'm dating my princess. Sadly our relationship fell apart of late and I've been single and looking to fill the void. Unfortunately she was fired from Home Depot for selling too many hot dogs at half price. Naturally, being unable to provide me with cheap snacks, she became expendable. Therefore we decided to "take a break" from each other.

As you can imagine I do miss the hot dogs and the high-friction anal sex, but the single life has its perks. Mostly, being able to watch Cinemax at 3 am without being labeled a pervert. I've found that masturbating to soft-core porn while being called an insensitive pig is not as much of a turn on as I once thought it could be.

So I've decided to look this woman (at least, I think it's a woman) up and see if there are any fireworks. I'll keep you all posted!